The Secret Diary of .. Heather and Barry

HEATHER DU PLESSIS-ALLAN
I was driving down the middle of the road and Barry who was sitting next to me said,
BARRY SOPER
“Watch where you’re going!”
HEATHER
By which he meant of course the idiots driving on either side of us, but mainly in the left lane. And he had a good point. Because they were taking sides. And taking sides is dangerous. It’s not recommended for your health, and do you know who it fails to impress? Middle New Zealand. Middle New Zealand keeps its eyes on the road. But that’s a hard thing to accomplish when idiots actually get out of their cars and stop traffic, as they did in the hīkoi crossing the Auckland Harbour Bridge, to which Barry leaned his head out of the car window and said,
BARRY
“Get off the road!”
HEATHER
Get off the road. It’s a simple message and it’s the right one. Because here we all are, Middle New Zealand just wanting to go about our business, but prevented from crossing the jammed Harbour Bridge during rush-hour morning traffic on a weekday while workers are trying to get into the office and parents are trying to get their kids to NCEA exams on time. And for what? A hīkoi doesn’t achieve anything. It’s performative, and Barry put them to rights when he said,
BARRY
“Go home!”
HEATHER
But of course they’d rather make a nuisance of themselves. This hīkoi is unlikely to impress Middle New Zealand voters. Middle New Zealand voters don’t care for that sort of thing. Middle New Zealand voters just want to get to work on time, and put food on the table, and the best place for that is in the middle of the table. But one thing puts Middle New Zealand off its tucker, and that’s the haka performed by Hana-Rawhiti Maipi-Clarke in Parliament. Barry was there, and he said,
BARRY
“It’s a bloody disgrace!”
HEATHER
And that’s putting it mildly. It was aggressive. It was threatening. It was very offensive to Middle New Zealand, but did Labour read the room? Labour did not read the room. Labour joined in the haka, and it joined in the hīkoi on parliament. Well, sorry to say it, Labour, but you just lost the room. You lost Middle New Zealand. Middle New Zealand was even more repulsed by the hīkoi on Parliament. Middle New Zealand wasn’t there, that’s for sure. Middle New Zealand was at home, or at work, doing white things. Barry was there, and he said,
BARRY
“Get off my foot!”
HEATHER
Because he thought someone from the hīkoi had stood on it, but it turned out he had stood on his own foot. Well, that happens. But the hīkoi must not be allowed to happen. Middle New Zealand didn’t love the sight of gang members on the hīkoi openly parading patches. These are patches that are so unpopular they have now been outlawed. I hope that sends a message to the hīkoi organisers, who were also patched – with the colours of the most lawless gang in New Zealand, Te Pāti Māori. Te Pāti Māori were behind the angry scenes inside and outside of Parliament this past fortnight. Te Pāti Māori are criminals in the eyes of Middle New Zealand.
But it’s all over now, thank heavens, and the traffic is moving again, and Barry and I will continue on our merry way driving on the middle of the road and ignore the motorists on either side of us who are yelling,
MIDDLE NEW ZEALAND
“Get off the road!”